Motherfucking Scones.

So I needed something to take my mind off the most shitteous day of work.  Which usually means baking.  I also need to punch the living shit out of something – so I needed bake something that involved punching dough. Or the the more technical term- kneading. So ladies..er..twatwaffles – scones it is.  Plus, I had everything in the house to make it so, there was that too.

So. Get out your food processor. The one you got that collects dust. Go get it. 

Toss in 2 cups all purpose flour, 3 tbsp of sugar, 1 tbsp of baking powder and ½ tsp of salt

Missing in this pic - salt.

Blend it up.

Then toss in 5 tbsp of butter chopped into little bits.  It has to be cold butter or this won’t work at all. 

Now. Blend that motherfucker up.  The directions say to pulse like a total of 15 times and you magically have something that “resembles coarse cornmeal with a few slightly larger butter lumps.”

They lied. Kinda just like my boss does on a daily basis.  It takes more than 15 pulses. Pulse the living crap out this thing.  The butter disappears pretty quickly, so it’ll look like shortbread, but when it turns yellow, you know you’re good.

Not done.

Done! See like someone pissed in a snowbank after having several beers.

Toss it into a bowl and add whatever you want. Or leave it plain. Tonight, I tossed in 1/2c of crystallized  ginger. You could do 3/4c of dried cranberries and some orange rind. 3/4 c of dried blueberries with lemon rind.  Just don’t use fresh fruit – there’s too much moisture and you’ll fuck ‘em up.

Next up? Whipping cream. 1 cup.  Really mix it in well.

Toss it out on to your clean counter. Or in my case a clean cutting board. Get all the little bits of dough that didn’t get wrapped up in that bowl.

And now we knead. It’s a two handed job (that’s what she said) but it’s difficult to do with a camera in one’s hand so forgive my oddly coloured hand and know that it’s easier to do with two hands (*snicker*). Also, don't skip this part. Don't just press it into the pan and bake.  I'll know.

So to knead you take the edge of the dough furthest away from you and fold it towards you.  You’re pretty much folding the dough in half.

Then push using the heel of your hand into the dough. Now turn the dough a quarter turn and repeat.

It’s not as good I imagine as punching my boss, but you can’t always win.  Plus it has the bonus of not breaking your knuckles or criminal charges.

When the dough seems evenly sticky, little bits of it don’t fall off when you move it to knead, and if you try and stretch it out it’ll bounce back a bit, you know you’re good. Smoosh it into an 8 inch round cake pan.  

Then curse and swear when it won’t come out of the motherfucking pan.

Run a dinner knife around the edges. Et voila. 

Now take a big ass knife and quarter that fucker.  Then slice it into 8 pieces. Don’t saw the edges when cutting this thing, it needs to be sliced. 

 

Put on parchment paper, sprinkle with a little sugar (totally optional).

Now the recipe said to bake for 12-15 minutes.  Again the recipe LIED!  They were almost overdone! Bake ‘em for 10-12.

Let them cool for about 10 minutes and eat them up or toss 'em on to a cooling rack to completely cool.  Jam, butter, tea, some rage against the machine and you'll have a nice relaxing evening.