Motherfucking Scones.

So I needed something to take my mind off the most shitteous day of work.  Which usually means baking.  I also need to punch the living shit out of something – so I needed bake something that involved punching dough. Or the the more technical term- kneading. So ladies..er..twatwaffles – scones it is.  Plus, I had everything in the house to make it so, there was that too.

So. Get out your food processor. The one you got that collects dust. Go get it. 

Toss in 2 cups all purpose flour, 3 tbsp of sugar, 1 tbsp of baking powder and ½ tsp of salt

Missing in this pic - salt.

Blend it up.

Then toss in 5 tbsp of butter chopped into little bits.  It has to be cold butter or this won’t work at all. 

Now. Blend that motherfucker up.  The directions say to pulse like a total of 15 times and you magically have something that “resembles coarse cornmeal with a few slightly larger butter lumps.”

They lied. Kinda just like my boss does on a daily basis.  It takes more than 15 pulses. Pulse the living crap out this thing.  The butter disappears pretty quickly, so it’ll look like shortbread, but when it turns yellow, you know you’re good.

Not done.

Done! See like someone pissed in a snowbank after having several beers.

Toss it into a bowl and add whatever you want. Or leave it plain. Tonight, I tossed in 1/2c of crystallized  ginger. You could do 3/4c of dried cranberries and some orange rind. 3/4 c of dried blueberries with lemon rind.  Just don’t use fresh fruit – there’s too much moisture and you’ll fuck ‘em up.

Next up? Whipping cream. 1 cup.  Really mix it in well.

Toss it out on to your clean counter. Or in my case a clean cutting board. Get all the little bits of dough that didn’t get wrapped up in that bowl.

And now we knead. It’s a two handed job (that’s what she said) but it’s difficult to do with a camera in one’s hand so forgive my oddly coloured hand and know that it’s easier to do with two hands (*snicker*). Also, don't skip this part. Don't just press it into the pan and bake.  I'll know.

So to knead you take the edge of the dough furthest away from you and fold it towards you.  You’re pretty much folding the dough in half.

Then push using the heel of your hand into the dough. Now turn the dough a quarter turn and repeat.

It’s not as good I imagine as punching my boss, but you can’t always win.  Plus it has the bonus of not breaking your knuckles or criminal charges.

When the dough seems evenly sticky, little bits of it don’t fall off when you move it to knead, and if you try and stretch it out it’ll bounce back a bit, you know you’re good. Smoosh it into an 8 inch round cake pan.  

Then curse and swear when it won’t come out of the motherfucking pan.

Run a dinner knife around the edges. Et voila. 

Now take a big ass knife and quarter that fucker.  Then slice it into 8 pieces. Don’t saw the edges when cutting this thing, it needs to be sliced. 

 

Put on parchment paper, sprinkle with a little sugar (totally optional).

Now the recipe said to bake for 12-15 minutes.  Again the recipe LIED!  They were almost overdone! Bake ‘em for 10-12.

Let them cool for about 10 minutes and eat them up or toss 'em on to a cooling rack to completely cool.  Jam, butter, tea, some rage against the machine and you'll have a nice relaxing evening.

Blondies

I know what you're thinking? Blondies?

No not the lame-o comic strip.

Did anyone ever find this comic funny? DIdn't think so.

Nor am I talking about Blondie a la Debbie Harry. 

Nor am I talking about these duck-faced cum dumpsters.

  I imaged searched blondies and got these twats. Second one from the left looks more orange than blonde.

Seriously though, blondies are this yummy cross between a cookies and a brownie.  I made these and had old ladies at church rave about them.  That's a tough crowd - trust me.  Seriously, they try any baking I bring just to see if it's any good or not.  Which also translates into, "Is she competent or not as a person?" Pretty certain these put an end to that debate. 

First things first.  Line a 9x13 inch pan with aluminum foil.  Basically take two pieces and lay them across one another so you get a sling.  You might have to use scissors so that you don't get too much overlap in the corners.  Spray the everloving shit out of your lined pan with cooking spray.  Preheat your oven to 350F.

Next up. If you could be a total moron and attempt to empty a bag of flour into a container that won't hold 5 pounds of flour, it'd make me feel slightly less stupid. Thanks.

This was a disaster.

So you're going to combine in a bowl 1 1/2 cups of all-purpose flour, 1/2tsp of salt, and 1 tsp of baking powder.  Whisk so that they're nicely combined.

Melt 3/4cup of unsalted butter. Basically a stick and a half if that's how you buy your butter. 

Now into that put a 1 1/2c of brown sugar, 2 large eggs, and 4 tsp of vanilla extract.  Can we talk about vanilla extract?  Buy the pure stuff.  Don't buy the artificial crap.  Sure, it pretty much tastes the same and will save you some moola, but it's a byproduct of wood pulp.  Ew.  Leave the trees alone and buy the real stuff.

So mix the butter/sugar/eggs/vanilla/heartattckinabowl up...

..and start combining them.  I think I added the flour to the butter mixture in about 2 parts.

Keep mixing....

Now fold in 1/2 cup of both white and semisweet chocolate chips.  Then toss in 1 cup of toasted chopped pecans.  Please take the time to toss those nuts into a frying pan and toast 'em.  Nuts always taste better toasted.  I'm sure you knew that already.

Ta da!  Also, see that spatula?  It's now gone to a better place. I broke it making cheese bread last weekend.  Can we have a moment of silence for my spatula which gave me so many years of good work? Thanks. 

Toss the batter into the pan.  Try not to eat half of it.

Spread it out so that it's all nice and even. 

Bake for 20-25 minutes.  Basically there should be a few crumbs on a toothpick when you pull it out (that what she said).

I'd suggest cutting these suckers into small squares 'cause they're pretty rich.  Also recommended?  Calling your favourite cardiologist.  Enjoy!

The road home

I made 4 mistakes on the way home from Foooorrrrkkkkkssssss!

• I gave some woman at the Seattle airport a double flip off thinking she was a fellow Twitard.  Turns out my vision was a wee bit off.  I don't think she appreciated my greeting judging by the scowl she gave me.  So I may or may not have flipped her off again.  Yeah I'm an asshole like that.
• I ate Chinese food in the airport in Chicago. Awful.  
• I put my ipod onto my 'hanging out' play list.  It conspired against me playing "Possibility".  I listened to it the first time which resulted in some seriously misty eyes. I thought I'd cheer myself up by looking at some photos.  That led to mistake number four.
• Looking at photos on the plane without kleenex.  I've never cried at the end of a vacation like I did leaving Seattle.

 I'll do a post on everything, but for now I'll say that it was amazing and I miss everyone already.

Black Bean Soup

"Did someone say soup?"

Laaaaadddddiiiiiieeessss...


Thought I'd share my Black Bean Soup recipe.  It's not actually veggie due to beef stock - but it tastes just as good with veggie stock.

So here's a picture what we're going to throw into the pot.  Well, except the spices - it's hard to take an  exciting picture of dried green flakes. Oh and the sour cream because I forgot about it.

Look!  I now have counter space! WIN!!

Also if can ignore the limp cilantro I'd appreciate it.  It's going to a better place soon.  Namely the soup, then my composter.

Alrighty, first step. Chop shit up. Or more specifically the carrots, red pepper, onion, jalapeno and garlic.  You want to have about 1 cup of the first three.  The recipe only needs 1 jalapeno in my opinion - so I'll stick with that.  As for garlic, well, whatever floats your boat.  The recipe calls only for one. Personally though, I'll think you're a pussy if you use anything less than 5 or 6 cloves.

Now how you cut said ingredients up depends on what you're going to do at the end.  If you're going to completely blend the soup then uniformity of how you cut stuff doesn't really matter.  The thing about blending it entirely up is that you end up with a purree that, er, well, doesn't look very good but tastes yummy.  So if you don't care what the fuck your co-worker thing of your lunch go nuts and random chop stuff up (you can revenge fart in their cubicle the next day).  The other two option are to blend about half the soup and combine the puree with the non-blended stuff, or not to blend it up at all.  In which case I recommend trying to cut things up evenly if you can.  And if you completely don't give a fuck then just cut it up randomly - it all ends up in the same place anyways.

I slayed the carrots first.

Carrots in case you'd never seen them before.

Okies, I'm going to show you how to cut up a red pepper.  I know it sounds kinda dumb, but I'm going to do it anyways.  It'll come in handy when you're slicing up the jalapeno.

Lop the top off then slice a line down the side.

Yeah. I know. Say it. Out loud. CC's veggies look like hoohas.

Pull out the ribs and seeds.

Cut 'em to strips.

Dice the little fuckers.

Dice the onion. Et voila.  Oh wait, forgot the fucking jalapeno.

I'd like to point out that eye protection and wearing gloves is a good idea while cutting jalapenos.  I skipped the gloves today and while wiping some juice that had sprayed near my eye (and landed on my glasses) I touched my eyelid by accident.  Mother fucking ow, folks.  

Oh and you want to dice the garlic folks.  That or crack open your bottle of prediced garlic and scoop some out..  Don't worry, I won't judge your non-fresh garlic.

Heat a couple of teaspoons of olive oil up. Can I point out that I now have a ceramic top cook top? Wooo! (I know, I'm lame.)

Toss in your veggies and stir around a bit.  You'll cook them for about 5 minutes stirring every now and then.

  In the mean time, drain and rinse your black beans, get your spices stock and brown sugar out (don't worry I'll give you the list below), chop some cilantro, locate that bottle of Worcestershire sauce that you only use for bloody marys, and pull out your lemon juice (that sounds dirty btw).

See? Picture of spices? Not very exciting.  This is also the time to add powdered stock, if you're lazy like me.

 Give it a good stir and cook for a few more minutes then add the black beans.

Yup, just like that.

Now add the Worcestershire sauce, the lemon juice (you could use lime too), and tomato sauce.  I kinda cheat on this one.  Instead of cracking open a big can or jar of sauce only to have it go moldy because I forgot about it in the fridge.  I usually just take 2-3 tablespoons of tomato paste and just add water until it measures out a cup.

Ta da!

Now just add 3 cups of water and let it cook for about 20 minutes.  Yes, you have time to go read your latest fanfic update.

I prefer to partially blend it with my hand blender.  That way, it's not like eating pasta-less minestrone and doesn't look like purred shit.  Top it with some sour cream and cilantro if that floats your boat and enjoy.

Here's the list o'ingredients:

• 2 tsp olive oil
• 1 cup each chopped onion, red pepper and carrot
• 5-6 cloves of garlic
• 1 jalapeno pepper, seeded and minced
• 3 cup beef or veggie stock
• 1 cup tomato sauce
• 2 cans black beans, rinsed and drained
• 1 tbsp lemon juice
• 1 tsp Worcestershire Sauce
• 1 tbsp brown sugar
• 2 tbsp fresh cilantro
• 2 tsp dried oregano
• 1 tsp chili powder, and ground cumin
• 1/2 tsp of dried thyme
• 1/4 tsp of black pepper
• sour creme. 

You named your child what!?

So some of you may or may not know that I'm a nurse that works with new mums and babies once they leave the hospital. I have an awesome job (well, most of the time).

Through the course of any given day I sometimes talk up to 20 new mums and I always ask "So what did you name your new little one?" and I always respond "Oh that's lovely" or "Oh isn't that a nice name." Often, gotta tell ya, people name their kids fucking awful names.

"Why yes Heaven spelt backward is just a original and fantastic name! Oh and your other twin's name is Treasure with a 'z' - that has stripper CEO of a company written all over it"

I think hearing new kids names all day often gives me some insight into the trends of baby names i.e. If you name your child after something expensive, odds are you can't afford it. It's why I threw Breaking Dawn across the room when I read "Renesmee". I could just imagine some trashy lovely mother naming her kid Renesmee cause it sounded unique and she done liked it. My co-workers and I all placed bets as to when we would come across that name next (fortunately we haven't).

 "Now get over here and help mama serve Sunday dinner Renesmee"

So today, I came across this article.  The headline is "'Twilight' inspires top U.S. baby names".  Oh fuck people.  Can I just say that if you're naming your child after a Twilight character, maybe you should rethink the whole procreation thing in general?

Edward is apparently number number 137 on the list, up 11 spots apparently.  Don't get me wrong, Edward is a nice name.  However, if you're naming a kid after Edward because you liked the character, I'm thinking you should have also considered Oedipus. 

Oedipus - giving 'keeping in all in the family' a totally different meaning since the 5th century BC

Now as for Jacob and Isabella, those have been top names for ages.  I don't think I'll be naming any future kids those names cause all that pops into my noggin' is Twilight when I hear them.

This would be an awkward family photo non? "Um Jacob can you stop cuddling your sister? Thanks"

Now Edward, Jacob, and (Isa)Bella are all 'common' names and fewer and fewer people actually choose  names from the 'top name' lists.  It's all part of the unique names trend.  People like to get kreeatif at every chance.  So apparently this whole creative trend combined and with Twilight being everywhere the name 'Cullen' moved up 297 spots to 485th on the list of names.  Oy.

"Cullen PUT that cigarette down NOW!"

So would you ever name your kid after a character in Twilight?

BRMC concert pics

So Mr CC and I went to a Black Rebel Motorcycle Club concert last Sunday. I had plans to post this big long post detailing the general fuckawesomeness of the concert, but alas this week kicked me in the nads and I didn't get around to it. So instead here's some of the photos we both took set to "Beat the Devil's Tattoo" from their new album of the same name. The wide angle shots and shots of Leah Shapiro, their drummer, are MrCC's. The close ups of Robert Levon Been and Peter Hayes are mine.

Enjoy!

Oh Etsy....

Tonight's edition of Confessions of a Cullenary Curser is brought to you by "what the fuck were they thinking?"

First up. More shit in a bottle.  This time it's sand. Fucking expensive sand.

This is apparently sand from La Push beach.  Five and a half dollars worth apparently.  Who fucking spends five dollars plus shipping for an ounce of fucking sand that could be from some kid's sand box.  Oh, right, I forgot, it was collected during the new moon of August 2009, so that makes it special.  It comes with a certificate of authenticity. Jeebus, a certificate of authenticity? Why didn't the poster say so?  That makes it all better.  On that note, why don't I get the 2 ounce bottle for seven bucks?  I mean it's authentic so....

I think I could make a killing if I just dump the contents of my suitcase on the beach and fill it with sand.  I'll never work again.  It'll be like winning the lottery.

Next up. Fun with felting.  Brace yourselves -these never end well.

*sighs* Oh hell, where to start with this one.

Right we'll start with the nipples.  Jesus those things are big.  Is it just me or are they a)unevenly spaced and b)angled oddly?  Is it just me? 

The lips.  Was this the person that did the makeup on Twilight and did overkill on the lips?  I think it is.  Thank goodness he/she found employment again.

Next up, his eyes.  I get that New Moon Edward is all thirsty.  I also know that Edward said that Bella was his own personal brand of heroin.  That does not mean you get to make Edward look like a sleep deprived heroin drag queen that's in withdrawal.

The hair. Were they going for this?

Wrong vampire.

Now I'm not one for scented shit. Creams, lotions, smelly candles, aromatherapy crap and the like.  So maybe it's just me, but why the fuck would anyone buy scented shit over the internet.  You can't smell it!  I hate to be Captain Obvious here - but there's a chance that one person's freesia and lilac smells like your crazy and moldy Aunt Mildred.

Until the iPad comes with a scratch and sniff app you have to trust the seller that this cream smells like Alice.  Apparently Alice smells like "sweet fruits, juicy citrus, and delicate florals". "It's a beautiful, bright, happy fragrance!" Goodie - does that mean I'll be beautiful, bright and happy too? Does it?? DOES IT!!?!?!?

I always find one thing I want though.  Tonight I found some cute mittens.  Apparently they're the ones Bella wears in Twilight.  I want to get the pattern for some of these.

They're really pretty and cute!