Thursday, January 6, 2011

Here's looking at stew.....

So this recipe is “Moroccan Stew.”  At least that what the recipe book says.  Honestly though? I think it’s about as authentic as Taco Bell is Mexican.

Side note: I’ve never eaten at a Taco Bell. Don’t think I’ll start either for that matter.

So with this Stew you’ve got options.  You can cook it in a pot or slow cooker.  It tastes fine either way.  The second just means you have to have you shit together before you head out the door in the morning.  

You can probably guess which category I fit into.

So let’s get cooking twatwaffles.

Peel and cut up about 3 cups of sweet potatoes and finely dice an onion.  Now the recipe calls for ½ celery. But really? Who honestly LIKES celery? Celery is the loser of the vegetable world, along with brussel sprouts and turnip.

Coarsely dice up 1 red and 1 green pepper. Most of the time I just use 2 red peppers and call it a day. Truthfully, I’m not a huge green pepper fan, but I included it for you people. It’s ‘cause I flove you. Also important garlic – 4 cloves should do the trick.



Now pull out a giant pot and toss a tablespoon or two of olive oil.  Don’t start heating it up though.  There’s shit to do first.


Like drain and rinse a can of chickpeas, and a can of stewed tomatoes. Now normally, I would have just poured the liquid out of tomatoes, but since I bought TOMATOES WITH ITALIAN SEASONING, I thought it would be a good idea.  You could also just buy diced tomatoes too. Just don’t get the ones with fucking Italian seasoning.

I was confused when little green bits started coming out of the can.  Then I started swearing.

So let’s put some real spices in there. 1 tsp each of curry, chilli powder, ground coriander, cumin.  I’m lazy and add a package vegetable stock here. If you’re using a carton of stock or shit you’ve made yourself you’ll just add it later.  Don't have ground coriander? Don't worry, most of the time I don't either and don't bother adding it.

Please ignore my thumb. I know it's weird shaped.

Okey dokey, crank the heat to high, and when it’s really hot toss is the peppers and onion.


 Once they’re softer, about 3 minutes, toss in the spices and garlic and give ‘em a good stir.


Pitch the sweet potatoes after a few minutes in and just let them rest gently on top.  Kidding. Stir them suckers too.


Chickpeas and tomatoes.  I mashed the fuckers with my spoon, the innards spurting across the side of the pot like blood.  More effective at releasing anger than kneading. You can pretend the tomato guts are your boss’s brain.  And by ‘you,’ I mean ‘me. And by ‘your boss,’ I mean ‘mine.’

Shortly before the massacre.

Now if you’re not using powder stock add three cups of it here. Lazy like me? Add three cups of water.

Raisins, I love ‘em in this recipe so I toss a handful or two. Golden raisins preferably.


Curse and swear when you realize you haven’t added the ginger.  Now, please please don’t ever use anything other than fresh ginger.  I don’t care if it comes from a tube or is frozen in cubes just as long as it isn’t powdered.  Save that shit for baking.

Here’s my tip for peeling ginger before you grate it – use the edge of a teaspoon.  You’re looking for about a tablespoon or two.

You get the idea from my shitteous photo right?
 Cover your pot and bring it to a boil, then turn the heat medium and crack the lid a little.
When you can stab the sweet potato with a fork, it’s time to add a giant glob of peanut butter.  Smooth, crunchy, whatever floats your boat.

My cat loves peanut butter. Ever given a cat peanut butter? It's funny.

If it’s still a bit on the liquidy side I’ll mix cornstarch and water and toss it until it thickened


Fresh Cilantro, a sprinkle of lemon juice et voila it’s done.


Now, I almost always serve this with couscous with a bit of cumin and fresh cilantro tossed in, but since my cupboard looks like this:

Give me a break. I just moved. Last July.

I thought I had some when I didn’t.

Couscous not your thing? Quinoa, rice, or polentas are all options– it’ll taste good.

Now if you’re an organized whore, the reciped varies slightly. Obviously.

So for a slow cooker you basically add ½ teaspoon more or so of the dry spices (they mellow with the long cooking time), double the garlic and ginger, and reduce the liquid by half.  Layer in the slow cooker like this: sweet potatoes, chickpeas, vegetables, spices, raisins, tomatoes.  Cook on low for 6-7 hours on low.  Turn to high and add the peanut butter and corn starch, if needed, at the end.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Motherfucking Scones.

So I needed something to take my mind off the most shitteous day of work.  Which usually means baking.  I also need to punch the living shit out of something – so I needed bake something that involved punching dough. Or the the more technical term- kneading. So ladies..er..twatwaffles – scones it is.  Plus, I had everything in the house to make it so, there was that too.

So. Get out your food processor. The one you got that collects dust. Go get it. 
Toss in 2 cups all purpose flour, 3 tbsp of sugar, 1 tbsp of baking powder and ½ tsp of salt

Missing in this pic - salt.

Blend it up.

Then toss in 5 tbsp of butter chopped into little bits.  It has to be cold butter or this won’t work at all. 



Now. Blend that motherfucker up.  The directions say to pulse like a total of 15 times and you magically have something that “resembles coarse cornmeal with a few slightly larger butter lumps.”

They lied. Kinda just like my boss does on a daily basis.  It takes more than 15 pulses. Pulse the living crap out this thing.  The butter disappears pretty quickly, so it’ll look like shortbread, but when it turns yellow, you know you’re good.
Not done.

Done! See like someone pissed in a snowbank after having several beers.
Toss it into a bowl and add whatever you want. Or leave it plain. Tonight, I tossed in 1/2c of crystallized  ginger. You could do 3/4c of dried cranberries and some orange rind. 3/4 c of dried blueberries with lemon rind.  Just don’t use fresh fruit – there’s too much moisture and you’ll fuck ‘em up.


Next up? Whipping cream. 1 cup.  Really mix it in well.


Toss it out on to your clean counter. Or in my case a clean cutting board. Get all the little bits of dough that didn’t get wrapped up in that bowl.


And now we knead. It’s a two handed job (that’s what she said) but it’s difficult to do with a camera in one’s hand so forgive my oddly coloured hand and know that it’s easier to do with two hands (*snicker*). Also, don't skip this part. Don't just press it into the pan and bake.  I'll know.

So to knead you take the edge of the dough furthest away from you and fold it towards you.  You’re pretty much folding the dough in half.


Then push using the heel of your hand into the dough. Now turn the dough a quarter turn and repeat.


It’s not as good I imagine as punching my boss, but you can’t always win.  Plus it has the bonus of not breaking your knuckles or criminal charges.

When the dough seems evenly sticky, little bits of it don’t fall off when you move it to knead, and if you try and stretch it out it’ll bounce back a bit, you know you’re good. Smoosh it into an 8 inch round cake pan.  


Then curse and swear when it won’t come out of the motherfucking pan.


Run a dinner knife around the edges. Et voila. 

Now take a big ass knife and quarter that fucker.  Then slice it into 8 pieces. Don’t saw the edges when cutting this thing, it needs to be sliced. 

 
Put on parchment paper, sprinkle with a little sugar (totally optional).



Now the recipe said to bake for 12-15 minutes.  Again the recipe LIED!  They were almost overdone! Bake ‘em for 10-12.



Let them cool for about 10 minutes and eat them up or toss 'em on to a cooling rack to completely cool.  Jam, butter, tea, some rage against the machine and you'll have a nice relaxing evening.